The journey of self that I am currently on involves the
combat of fear. Fear is integral to change. So much so, that change is the
planet revolving around the Sun of fear. Fear offers change a source of energy,
light and warmth. But only as long as the planet keeps spinning. As long as you
keep on with your journey.
As a 21 year old student, dreamer, writer, poet (and many
more callings I’ve dared to call my own), fear within myself is something I’ve
learnt to conquer. There was a time in my childhood that I was afraid of
change. I was afraid to grow into someone new – with new hobbies, new
perspectives and a new sense of happiness. I was afraid to let go. I was comfortable living in the version of myself that I
had created because it brought me happiness. If I let go of the things that
contribute to it, would my happiness still be there?
Yes because the external world does not define your inner
being. The world around you and your experience contributes to your perspective
of life, but that is all it ever is. A perspective. A story. An allegory even,
of the world you wish to see. When you strip yourself of the outer things that
make you up, which are seemingly mundane but more important than you realise
upon close inspection, you see what uncomfortability feels like. Things like
the room you sleep in at night, the house you go home to, the text
conversations on your phone you’ve hoarded because it feels painful to delete
memories. All of these things that you have allowed yourself to be defined by.
But the truth is, nothing can define you except your spirit
and your inner self. These are the inner workings of the self that are higher
than any worldly distractions. The only way to uncover your inner self is by
directly passing through fear to the other side.
Fear will cloud your life and tell you: “Your work is not good
enough to succeed.”, “You do not have what it takes to change.”, “You will
always be restricted to a limited future.”, “You are not worthy of love.” Fear
is the voice that stops you from living your dreams because it is attached to
the Ego. The Ego drives your resentment, insecurity and doubts to tear apart
your positivity, success and happiness. Fear is Ego’s best friend. And it is
the inner self’s enemy.
The battle between stagnation and change is a battle between
the two halves of an individual. But the truth (and therefore the path that is
truly meant for you) will only prevail if you subside your Ego and allow the
inner self to take charge. You can only do that by being still, calm, being in
the moment – present at all times – and being accepting of your circumstances.
A recent experience about a year ago illuminated my inner
self to me in an enlightening way. I was struggling in a situation that tested
my resilience, my patience, and my happiness. Through the storm, I had to
remind myself to be calm. For those of you who have ever experienced the
sedating effects of depression, you’ll know that when you pull yourself out of
that black hole, you’ll do anything to avoid being pushed back in. One more
emotional rollercoaster, and I could find myself falling. I had to travel
directly through fear to be able to come out strong on the other side. Had I
pushed the issues to the side, I would have been prolonging and worsening the pain.
I dealt with it. I accepted it. I breathed the present moment in, and breathed
the anger, pain and pride out. I repeated this process. I repeated it until my
inner core stopped flickering and wavering with uncertainty, and I felt at
ease.
I reminded myself that I am in charge of my emotions. And
that everyone has a birthright to feel whatever they want and to express that
feeling. I reminded myself that I should give what I can give if I want to
give, and expect nothing back. The fact that I choose to give does not entitle
me to something in return. A mother does not expect anything in return when she
feeds her baby. She does it out of love.
In that moment, fear subsided and my inner self took
control. My Ego had met its match with my inner self, and my mind had calmed. I
had avoided the black hole with careful foot placement and positioning, and
allowed myself to remain the master of my own destiny.
In that moment, I had passed the test of fear and I was
standing on the other side. Some of you may be asking yourselves, “Well, what
is it I’m afraid of?” – that’s for you to figure out. It may be that you’re
afraid of finding out who you really are in case you discover unlimited power.
With that unlimited power comes the chance of failure. Maybe you’re afraid to
fail in every aspect. But the truth is, failure is just a false projection of
fear and fear’s best friend, Ego. No-one can truly fail. The winning is in
playing the game.
Until next time,
Kalina
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