Removing toxic people from your life

I see the word toxic be thrown around a lot. I think it has a different definition to everyone in relation with their experiences, but in all honesty, no matter what name you give to a Venus flytrap, it will always trap its prey at an opportune moment.

Let’s not pass judgement with the toxic label though. Some of the most common traits of toxic people that I will touch upon in this post are natural human characteristics when we’re faced with stress and adversity. Someone displaying certain elements of what are seen as negative traits don’t mean they are necessarily toxic – they could just be less optimistic, inspired, more in touch with their nostalgic emotions, more sensitive to the darker sides of life, than you are. That’s okay. Toxicity rains on your parade. It puts a dent in your growth and stifles your happiness. Not just for a day or two – but for the majority of interactions you have with that person.

Sometimes you have friendships that you’re not sure are really friendships. Have you ever spent time with a friend and then left feeling really confused? As if you’re not sure if that time spent was genuine, as though you’re not even sure if you had a good time. You almost wish you just felt like you had a terrible time so you had a clear cut sign. The confusion is almost worse than them outright insulting you.

I have a very strong intuition. I’m very in touch with my gut feeling and I rely on it a lot to tell me what’s out of place. Of course, there are times when I choose to ignore it and carry on but those instances come back to bite me. You can feel when someone is acting out of selfishness. When they’re not giving as much kindness to you as you give back. When they emit a false sense of interest in you so they can put more of their foot in your door. You don’t need that in your life. So why do we let it happen?

Please let me place a disclaimer in here and state that when it comes down to abusive situations though, it’s not simply a case of letting it happen. Psychological abuse is far too strong to suggest that the survivor is in full control of their awareness of the situation. However, in milder situations where you can smell a toxic person, you need to step up and let go.

And so, what traits do they usually exhibit?

Guilt and shame

A toxic person will typically use guilt and shame to manipulate you into believing their account of events. They will use your kind nature to lure you into feeling bad for what happened, in order to completely avoid any sense of accountability. `Sorry` is not part of this person’s vocabulary, and if you do hear it, it’ll only be to fuel their own motives. They’ll only apologise if they see a valid and present advantage in doing so. They’re not truly trying to look out for your wellbeing. They might even shame you into doing or not doing something. They’ll use the worst possible outcome to scare you of the consequences. It’s just another way to be controlling. It’s hard to always know whether someone is just stubborn, or manipulative, but if it doesn’t sit right with you, something’s clearly wrong.

They’re always right

It’s one thing to banter about how you’re right, but it’s another thing to always be adamant that you’re not wrong. Where’s the space for growth, love and acceptance? It doesn’t matter if it’s a friendship or relationship, those three things need to be at the centre of it. And you can’t hold any type of `…ship` with someone who can’t admit to their mistakes. Someone has to concede, and that someone will always be you. It doesn’t matter how okay you are with being wrong, to them they’re just seeing how far they can stretch you before you realise you’re being pulled apart. You can’t just put yourself in their shoes and decide they’ve suffered hardships so their behaviour is justified. Why? Because you might be in their shoes but you’re still thinking using your kindness and your mind. Not theirs. They don’t think like you. They wouldn’t even think to put themselves in your shoes.

They tell you you’re overreacting

They never really give you that sensitivity you need. I don’t get hurt very easily, but I still require a degree of sensitivity if I’m expressing that I’m upset. A toxic person will downplay your sadness, and tell you you’re processing it wrong. That you don’t need to be so upset, that you should just brush it off. That you’re too emotional and that it’s not good. They will always qualify the emotions you feel – somehow the way you deal with things is either good or bad (usually bad). But interestingly, they have a penchant for telling you that you’re the judgemental one.

They like to get reactions

Toxic people thrive off of drama the majority of the time. They like saying something to evoke a response from you. They like seeing you in emotional turmoil. It satisfies a lot of their egotistical desires. They enjoy creating distress, because then they can see if they have a hold on you. They like confusion and vagueness on issues they know are close to your heart so they can force you to beg for their response. Doesn’t mean you will, but they like to try.

Perhaps reading those traits, someone came to mind. Maybe more than one person came to mind. Maybe you were just with that person today. Maybe you have plans with them tomorrow. But you have a gut feeling that something isn’t right. That they might just be jealous of your success, trying to drain your positivity, or trying to bring you down. Or maybe they’re so confused with their life, they plant their emotional turmoil in your mind. Whatever it is, only you know best.

So, what are you going to do? How do you actually remove a toxic person from your life?

You start by being honest with yourself. Remind yourself that you deserve so much better than the half friendship or relationship they’re giving you. Remind yourself that you don’t need a person like this. You were whole long before they came into your life, so why must you be anxious in their presence? What authority do they have in your life?

Then you grab the proverbial scissors and snip snip. You don’t even really need to have a massive conversation with them to warn them of what’s to come. If they’re actively draining your energy, the quicker you do it, the better.

While you’re removing them from your life, don’t forget to empower yourself. I’ve dealt with enough toxic people in my life to know that you need to ensure you have your own back. Don’t rely on their kindness or humanity, or listen to their excuses. Perhaps they just need to better themselves, but they clearly can’t do it if you’re both in each other’s life. Let go.

Watch your life transform when you do.

Until next time,

Kalina